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  • #91
    Originally posted by Plezercruz View Post
    What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

    I don’t know, but their flag is a big plus.

    Pete (lulz)
    If we banned people...

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    • #92
      Sid and Nancy are walking down the street late one night. Sid is striding along with his confident swagger with Nancy hanging on his arm.

      Nancy stops in front of a shop window, "Ooohh Sid." she says, "That diamond necklace is beautiful. I'd love to have that necklace".

      "Well darlin'", says Sid, "if you want that necklace you can have it. Anyfin' for my love.".

      Sid reaches down, picks-up a brick from the gutter, smashes the front window of the store, reaches in and pulls-out the necklace. Nancy turns around as Sid puts the necklace around her neck.

      "Oh, I love you Sid. You're the best boyfriend evah!", says Nancy, showing off her sparkling new necklace.

      They continue walking down the street. Passing a few more shops, Nancy stops again and calls out, "Ooohh Sid! That ruby ring in there. I'd love that ruby ring!"

      Sid stops and looks at the window. "Well my darlin', if you want that ring, you can have it. Anyfin' for my best girl.".

      Again Sid reaches down, picks-up another brick from the gutter, smashes the front window of the store, reaches in and pulls-out the ring, placing it delicately on Nancy's finger.

      "Oh, it's gorgeous!" exclaims Nancy. "I do love you so, Sid".

      "Anyfin' for my gal." says Sid.

      They both continue walking along the street, Nancy admiring her new ring and necklace, when Nancy stops once more at another shop window.

      "Ooohh Sid! That fur coat - don't you fink I'd look beautiful in that fur coat?".

      Sid stops, turns slowly and says "Jeez Nancy! What do you fink I am - made of bricks?!?".

      Pete (tries a real joke from the late Kenny Everett)

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      • #93
        Last night, thieves burglarized a pharmacy and got away with several cases of Viagra.

        The police are searching the city for a gang of hardened criminals.

        Pete (figures they've got less than 8 hours)

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        • #94
          Scotty always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them.
          He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.
          Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife. "Notice anything different about me?"
          Kasie looked him over and replied. "Nope."
          Frustrated as hell, Scotty stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new golf shoes. Again, he asked Kasie, a little louder this time. "Notice anything different...NOW?
          Kasie looked up and gave a deadpan response. "Scotty, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
          A furious Scotty yelled out. "And... do you know WHY it's hanging down, Kasie?"
          "Nope. Not a clue." She replied.
          "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
          Without missing a beat, Kasie replied. "You should have bought a new hat.”
          At the precipice, we change!
          The problem with Capitalism is that humans run it.

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          • #95
            Looks like the same gang is going through town systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size.

            Police believe they're still at large.

            Pete (snickers)

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            • #96
              Originally posted by Plezercruz View Post
              Looks like the same gang is going through town systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size.

              Police believe they're still at large.

              Pete (snickers)
              Fine... I'm play along.

              What's Bruce Lee's favorite hamburger?














              Whoppa!

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              • #97
                Oh no! The thieves are now stealing toilets!! The cops literally have nothing to go on!

                Pete (keeps us going)

                Comment


                • #98
                  What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
















                  She gagged.
                  "I guess I just hate the fact there is public property at all." - Mr. Raceboy.

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                  • #99
                    A lead! Rumor has it that a key witness is taking in a White Sox game. The cops are at a loss for information!

                    Pete (stretches these puns for all they're worth)

                    Comment


                    • The informant turned out to be a crazy person. He thought he was a helium balloon! The cops just held him for a while then let him go...

                      Pete (is so bored today)

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                      • Our gang of criminals has turned to auto theft. Police have heard that the gang is targeting a brand new Mercedes, but they're not buying it.

                        Pete (sticks with it)

                        Comment


                        • While golfing, I took a quick turn to avoid hitting a chuck hole, and accidentally overturned my golf cart.

                          A very beautiful and attractive golfer, who lived right there on the edge of the golf course, heard the noise, came running out of her villa and shouted, "Are you okay?"

                          As I looked up I noticed she was wearing only a silky see-through bath robe which was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a VERY nice figure.

                          "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart.

                          She said, " please follow me to my villa so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head, then you can rest a while. I'll help you upright the cart later."

                          "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

                          "Oh, come on now," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any more scrapes and treat them." Well, after all, she was really pretty, and very, very persuasive.

                          Being sort of shaken and weak, I finally agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

                          We walked to her place just a hundred yards away, and after a couple of scotch and waters and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

                          "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall even more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"

                          With a sigh, I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."
                          At the precipice, we change!
                          The problem with Capitalism is that humans run it.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Ronny View Post
                            While golfing, I took a quick turn to avoid hitting a chuck hole, and accidentally overturned my golf cart.

                            A very beautiful and attractive golfer, who lived right there on the edge of the golf course, heard the noise, came running out of her villa and shouted, "Are you okay?"

                            As I looked up I noticed she was wearing only a silky see-through bath robe which was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a VERY nice figure.

                            "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart.

                            She said, " please follow me to my villa so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head, then you can rest a while. I'll help you upright the cart later."

                            "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

                            "Oh, come on now," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any more scrapes and treat them." Well, after all, she was really pretty, and very, very persuasive.

                            Being sort of shaken and weak, I finally agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

                            We walked to her place just a hundred yards away, and after a couple of scotch and waters and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

                            "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall even more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"

                            With a sigh, I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."
                            I actually laughed out loud at that one Ronny!
                            "Democracy is a form of worship. It is the worship of jackals by jackasses." H.L. Mencken

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                            • That one was great!
                              I'm for defending all rights for everyone.

                              Comment


                              • Strange! My wife had a totally different opinion. Of course, she doesn't golf.
                                At the precipice, we change!
                                The problem with Capitalism is that humans run it.

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