Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint

    https://politics.theonion.com/incons...2_crHcM9wV2HIs

    WASHINGTON—Following months of bruising criticism from Democrats and President Trump alike, an inconsolable Jeff Sessions was reportedly trying to commit suicide Thursday by smoking a joint. “I swore I’d never take the coward’s way out, but what choice do I have?” said a teary-eyed Sessions, carefully laying a sealed envelope containing his farewell note on a tool bench in his garage as he raised a lighter to the marijuana cigarette with trembling hands. “This is it. I’ve taken four puffs to make sure there’s no chance of survival. It should only be a matter of minutes now. Oh, what a wretched, ignominious ending. Goodbye, cruel world, I’m sorry I’ve failed you so.” At press time, Sessions reportedly realized he had died after being overcome by a euphoric, floating feeling.
    "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect." –Mark Twain

  • #2
    Word is that Sessions is likely running for senate in 2020.

    Pete (suspects he'll win easily)

    Comment

    Working...
    X