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Thread: The Official Jokes Thread

  1. #341
    Ow! My Balls! Put Master
    Mr. Raceboy's Avatar
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    What do we want?

    A cure for Tourette's.

    When do we want it?

    Cunt!
    "Democracy is a form of worship. It is the worship of jackals by jackasses." H.L. Mencken

  2. #342
    put-put Put Master
    Jared's Avatar
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    President Donald Trump.

    Worst joke ever
    "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect." –Mark Twain

  3. #343
    What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

    I don’t know, but their flag is a big plus.

    Pete (lulz)

  4. #344
    Resident Black Man Great Put
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    Quote Originally Posted by Plezercruz View Post
    What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

    I don’t know, but their flag is a big plus.

    Pete (lulz)
    If we banned people...

  5. #345
    Sid and Nancy are walking down the street late one night. Sid is striding along with his confident swagger with Nancy hanging on his arm.

    Nancy stops in front of a shop window, "Ooohh Sid." she says, "That diamond necklace is beautiful. I'd love to have that necklace".

    "Well darlin'", says Sid, "if you want that necklace you can have it. Anyfin' for my love.".

    Sid reaches down, picks-up a brick from the gutter, smashes the front window of the store, reaches in and pulls-out the necklace. Nancy turns around as Sid puts the necklace around her neck.

    "Oh, I love you Sid. You're the best boyfriend evah!", says Nancy, showing off her sparkling new necklace.

    They continue walking down the street. Passing a few more shops, Nancy stops again and calls out, "Ooohh Sid! That ruby ring in there. I'd love that ruby ring!"

    Sid stops and looks at the window. "Well my darlin', if you want that ring, you can have it. Anyfin' for my best girl.".

    Again Sid reaches down, picks-up another brick from the gutter, smashes the front window of the store, reaches in and pulls-out the ring, placing it delicately on Nancy's finger.

    "Oh, it's gorgeous!" exclaims Nancy. "I do love you so, Sid".

    "Anyfin' for my gal." says Sid.

    They both continue walking along the street, Nancy admiring her new ring and necklace, when Nancy stops once more at another shop window.

    "Ooohh Sid! That fur coat - don't you fink I'd look beautiful in that fur coat?".

    Sid stops, turns slowly and says "Jeez Nancy! What do you fink I am - made of bricks?!?".

    Pete (tries a real joke from the late Kenny Everett)

  6. #346
    Last night, thieves burglarized a pharmacy and got away with several cases of Viagra.

    The police are searching the city for a gang of hardened criminals.

    Pete (figures they've got less than 8 hours)

  7. #347
    Strong Putter Strong Put
    Ronny's Avatar
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    Scotty always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them.
    He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.
    Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife. "Notice anything different about me?"
    Kasie looked him over and replied. "Nope."
    Frustrated as hell, Scotty stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new golf shoes. Again, he asked Kasie, a little louder this time. "Notice anything different...NOW?
    Kasie looked up and gave a deadpan response. "Scotty, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
    A furious Scotty yelled out. "And... do you know WHY it's hanging down, Kasie?"
    "Nope. Not a clue." She replied.
    "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
    Without missing a beat, Kasie replied. "You should have bought a new hat.”
    At the precipice, we change!
    The problem with Capitalism is that humans run it.

  8. #348
    Looks like the same gang is going through town systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size.

    Police believe they're still at large.

    Pete (snickers)

  9. #349
    Resident Black Man Great Put
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    Quote Originally Posted by Plezercruz View Post
    Looks like the same gang is going through town systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size.

    Police believe they're still at large.

    Pete (snickers)
    Fine... I'm play along.

    What's Bruce Lee's favorite hamburger?














    Whoppa!

  10. #350
    Oh no! The thieves are now stealing toilets!! The cops literally have nothing to go on!

    Pete (keeps us going)

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